As I'm writing this I'm feeling tense, anxious even...

Just checked my bank account and I didn't manage to save any money this month . To be fair I have been using electric scooters a lot lately, because it's just so convenient and makes going to class a lot easier since I didn't have to wake up as early to make a 25min commute that is 7 minutes with a scooter. Last month I also went out more than usual since we were celebrating pride here so that drained my account a bit too. I should be grateful I have any money in my account right now, especially enough to at least pay my rent and catfood and I know I will survive to the end of the year with what I have , I doubt I have money to buy gifts for anyone though... which is a shame since I love giving gifts

Well, at least I managed to sort out my money for the month, I even have enough cash to go to Helsinki to see my family and friends . Those damn HSL tickets are gonna be the death of me though... It's like 22 euros for 4 days of travel! What the hell! I'm a bit stressed about my trip to Helsinki though, I know there are many people who would like to see me, which I am very very grateful about, I'm so glad to be wanted, but I'm just one person and can't see everyone in the span of 4 days. Usually when I'm there I feel like I'm being pulled to different directions from each limb, I would like to relax there sometimes too...

I'm doing fine in school thankfully. I'm writing my essays at a good pace and I have been getting a more coherent image of how sociology relates to education, I even managed to understand some of Foucaults work and write about it!
I have found myself enjoying working on statistics during this past month! I have a course about quantitative research methods and working in SPSS and it's actually been fun for me! Just gotta find time to finish my "research project" for the course, but I'm sure I can get it done quick.

Anyways enough about school, I have had other things on my mind as well... One of them being how racialized Finland is. It's been on my mind more than normal lately, probably because in class we have been discussing how being an immigrant or coming from an immigrant family can affect the way one succeeds in school.

Yesterday I read a worrying article from our biggest newspaper titled "Study: a large proportion of pupils with an immigrant background fail to cope with their skills in society" . I just found the title so... dehumanizing. It's like they are saying that these kids are just not good enough to be in our society, that they are failing us as if it's not like the system is failing them.
I can just see how many readers just read that title, how it validates their predujices of us as stupid, lazy, useless immigrants. I just can't believe how the media can just write these things without any thought of how it affects the people they are writing about.

To be fair the article itself was a little more nuanced, saying that the socio-economic status of immigrants actually affects how well they do in school. But the title is what people see first, and it's what they remember.
Also I think it should have touched more on why people with immigrant backgrounds end up having a worse socio-economic status than a white Finn. I could go on and on about how hard it is to find a job here with a foreign name, how hard it is to navigate in this society. We are brown and/or black first, humans second. At least thats how it feels to me.

After I saw that article and went to class, a thought popped into my head. "They see me through that lens, the way the media paints us." I know not everyone is racist, I have met A LOT of people who arent, but I also know a lot of parents don't want to even send their kids to a school with a large "immigrant" population because they think it will affect their kids negatively.
As if it's the kids fault that our schooling system is failing them. Instead of just blaming immigrants for every issue in this country we could be creating better systems that support everyone

I think it's just so reckless publishing an article like that, especially in this political climate where the far-right is just gaining more and more power.

We just had a conversation in class about how certain studies shouldn't even be published because of the harm they can cause, and I think this article is a prime example of that. Of course studies should be conducted, and we should understand why immigrant kids are having a harder time in school. But we should also be careful with how we present that information, since it can so easily be used to feed the fire of ultra-nationalism and xenophobia.

Glad to get that off my chest. Made me feel a little better. Thank you for reading.

Hii! Haven't updated this page in a bit now...
It's because university started about a week ago and I have found myself suprisingly busy with class work and I get super tired easily during this time of the year...
The sun is slowly disappearing... I feel it... even though its still quite warm outside
Been reading a lot for my classes, so I haven't had the brain power to do much else. I have had to immerse myself into the world of sociology and important theorists like Foucault and Ziehe. It's kinda hard to really piece together all the information and make sense of it, but I'm trying my best!

In other news my kitten got stung by an evil bee today!!
He was courageously swatting at that evil intruder, but just as he got this demon in his jaws it stung him in the lip
Fortunately he is fine! I got a bit anxious that he would go into anaphylactic shock, but he was completely fine! Even though I had to use tweezers to get the stinger out...
Now his lip is barely swollen and he is begging for treats as usual

That's all I got for now! Thanks for reading

For the past month or so I have found myself enjoying my time alone a lot. I haven't found myself needing to really talk to anyone or be around anyone. (except for my partner and kitten, since we live together)

Not that I would be really against hanging out with people, I just dont feel the need to reach out, I'm actually quite content right now with just doing my projects (this website and a "game" I'm making), going to the gym, and just chilling with my partner and kitten.

But I can't help but feel like there is something wrong with me. I feel like I should be reaching out to people, or that I should be feeling lonely, but I'm not. I'm just content. Comfortable. It's also not like I'm completely isolating myself! Today I had an almost hour long facetime with my friend while I was at the gym.

Even though I'm happy I feel like I'm doing something wrong... Like feeling like this, living like this isn't allowed.

Maybe I'm just overthinking it, but I can't shake off this feeling of guilt! Like I should be contacting people right now, asking them to go for coffee or a beer or smth... But I honestly just dont feel like it. I know I will do it when I feel like it, but just not right now.

I feel like I'm letting people down I'm just living my life and actually enjoying it right now! I get stressed quite easily, but right now I'm feeling peaceful and calm. I shouldn't ruin that by forcing myself to do something I don't want to do.

I think I should continue just relaxing , I mean it's not like I'm this lazy year round! This whole summer I was studying and going to Helsinki to meet friends! And before that I was working hard trying to find a job for the summer (which I never got) and was still studying for uni. I'm just taking a break from socializing and that should be okay. I shouldn't feel guilty for taking care of myself
It's just kinda hard dealing with this feeling...
Well I'm probably gonna start going over 707's route in MysMes to get material for my shrine! See ya later