Long time no see
date: 01/08/25
Hi! It's been a while since I've updated my blog lol
In my last post I was stressed about finding a summer job... well let me tell you how that went. 
I got a job at a callcenter... selling skincare products to an overwhelmingly elderly clientele. 
I absolutely hated it, but at least I learned more about myself and what I am willing to put up with for money.
I quit after about a month of working there. The job made me feel filthy, I felt so bad scamming these old women with the shitty creams I was shelling out 
. The boss gave us some of the products to test out and I couldn't even use them!
They made my skin burn and the smell triggered my migraines 
. I felt bad for the people who bought them, but I had to make rent somehow. I stayed there just long enough to have money to pay for two months of rent.
During my time there like 5 people quit, I think I was the last one to leave from my batch of new hires. So putting that into consideration I did well I guess?
During that whole callcenter experience I was looking for other jobs, but surprise surpsise no-one would hire me. 
Also during this time I was having a whole crisis because quitting that job that made me feel weak, and that of course clashed with my poor little male ego lol
But seriously, I felt like I was being a weak little bitch for not being able to handle it. 
I was equating my worth as a man and as a person to how much shit I was willing to put up with.
And in my defense I can put up with a lot of shit, but for some reason that callcenter job was just too much. It was soul crushing. Calling elderly women, many of whom were ill, and trying to make them spend the last of their pension on overpriced creams... Reminds me of this southpark bit.
This company was selling these skincreams in a SUBSCRIPTION MODEL... like how fucking evil is that. 
Thankfully I got out of that headspace, but I would be lying if I said I didnt feel a bit guilty for quitting, since now I have to rely more on my partner for financial support. 
I'm very grateful for them, since they supported my decision to quit because they saw how the job was affecting me. I feel a bit ashamed as well for not being able to compartmentalize my work self and personal self.
But I know that it's a stupid thing to feel ashamed about, I just know that a lot of people are capable of it. Capable of doing anything for extra cash. "Real men can handle it" right? 
I guess I'm just a different kind of man and I shouldn't be ashamed of that. I am emotional, I care and I have ethical standards. I think thats the most important thing this experience has taught me about myself
I mean I could have done any other job without feeling as shitty as that job made me feel. Like at least as a cashier you are not participating in predatory sales practices targeting one of the most vulnerable groups in our society.
I gotta remember that I am working toward that job, where I feel I can contribute to society in a positive way. It's just that as a student I have to take what I can get, but I know in like 6 years a career in education and research awaits me. I am working hard toward that goal. 
A positive thing that this job facilitated was seeing my friends! Since the job was in Helsinki, I was able to hang out with my family and friends more often, which was super nice 
. Without them I would have definitely gone more insane than I already did.
Last month I went to Amsterdam! 
It was a nice experience, especially after that job. Because of the job being in Helsinki I also couldn't see my partner for a month so it felt magical to be able to reconnect on a trip like that 
.
We stayed in Zaandam, which was a lovely place. It was a bit far from the city center, but we commuted there by bus and a free ferry! If you're looking to stay in Amsterdam on a low budget I really recommend checking out the Golden-Zaan hotel. May not be glamorous, but for a student it will certainly be good enough lol
Now apart from enjoying the weed we also went to a bunch of museums! Here's a little list:
- Kattenkabinet
- Arcam
- Stedelijk Museum
- Museum of prostitution Amsterdam
The kattenkabinet museum was awesome! A whole museum dedicated to cats, with resident cats hanging out in the museum! 
The place was full of cat themed art and artifacts.
The Arcam museum was also interesting, focusing on architecture. I really enjoyed learning about the history of how the city was developed since Amsterdam has so many unique buildings! During our whole trip we kept staring at buildings and being amazed at the level of planning that went into that city! It really feels like they focused on making the city not only walkable and bikeable but also feel very communal.
The Stedelijk museum was awesome! Since it was such a big museum it had multiple exhibitions inside it, but my favorite one was "Liquid Body" by Pamela Rosenkranz. I really loved the use of colored lighting! It made the whole exhibition feel so moody, and everything was so fun to look at. It was like hanging out in an alternative reality. Also I loved the pink pool... I could have spent hours just looking at it, it was so relaxing!!
Museum of prostitution Amsterdam was actually really informative! I went there kinda with the expectation that it would be less about education and more about making a spectacle of sex work, but I was pleasantly surprised! They went over how sex work in Amsterdam works, what problems it has and the whole thing was narrated by an actual sex worker! I really appreciated that they really put effort into bringing out the voices of the actual workers themselves. Also the museum, although small, was decorated beautifully. Every room told a story, and at the end of the tour there was a confession booth where you could write down a confession and put it on the confession wall. A lot of the notes were about sexual experiences, fantasies etc. which were really awesome to read. There were also a bunch of notes expressing support to victims of sexual violence, which was lovely to see. 
We also visited the homomonument, which was quite an emotional expreience for me. It was nice to see queer lives honored in such a public way. Being there made me realize how much internalized stress I have about being queer in public. We also visited the oldest queer bar in Amsterdam, Cafe 't Mandje! It was a very small and cozy bar. It's been active since 1927! It really warmed my heart to see all the queer history in Amsterdam 
.
Anyhow, now that I've been unemployed for a little over a month now I have been able to focus on my art and this website 
! I am working on developing my style and trying to come up with projects to work on.
Right now I'm bouncing around an idea of a story with transgender themes, perfumes, and occultism.
Also! Been messing around with linux a lot 
! I just finished theming my Fedora distro to look like windows 7 on Plasma KDE. It's been fun and I have learned a lot more about how linux works. Even though I use a GUI, I love love love using the command line to do things. I'm really tired of windows, I never realized how much control it strips away from the user lol
Whew this has been a long blogpost. I hope you enjoyed reading it! 
Have a nice day/night and remember to stay safe during this hot ass summer!!
So far its been fun and for a course project we need to make a short game I'm gonna try to make a shmup since my partner loves them and I would hope to one day make a silly little game for him 
but I'm sure we will at least pass this course lol
The ps3 has a special place in my heart since I spent so many hours playing games on it as a kid. So now being able to very legally play all the games I have ever wanted is wonderful 
and it gives me some sort of weird gender euphoria to just hang out on my couch in my boxers playing this game like a gross guy 
...It should arrive on monday... I hope
lol
)
. To be fair I have been using electric scooters a lot lately, because it's just so convenient and makes going to class a lot easier since I didn't have to wake up as early to make a 25min commute that is 7 minutes with a scooter.
Last month I also went out more than usual since we were celebrating pride here so that drained my account a bit too. I should be grateful I have any money in my account right now, especially enough to at least pay my rent and catfood and I know I will survive to the end of the year with what I have 
, I doubt I have money to buy gifts for anyone though... which is a shame since I love giving gifts 
. Those damn HSL tickets are gonna be the death of me though... It's like 22 euros for 4 days of travel! What the hell! 
I'm a bit stressed about my trip to Helsinki though, I know there are many people who would like to see me, which I am very very grateful about, I'm so glad to be wanted, but I'm just one person and can't see everyone in the span of 4 days. Usually when I'm there I feel like I'm being pulled to different directions from each limb, I would like to relax there sometimes too...
I haven't found myself needing to really talk to anyone or be around anyone. (except for my partner and kitten, since we live together)
Like I should be contacting people right now, asking them to go for coffee or a beer or smth... But I honestly just dont feel like it. I know I will do it when I feel like it, but just not right now. 
I'm just living my life and actually enjoying it right now! I get stressed quite easily, but right now I'm feeling peaceful and calm. I shouldn't ruin that by forcing myself to do something I don't want to do.
, I mean it's not like I'm this lazy year round! This whole summer I was studying and going to Helsinki to meet friends! And before that I was working hard trying to find a job for the summer (which I never got) and was still studying for uni. I'm just taking a break from socializing and that should be okay. I shouldn't feel guilty for taking care of myself 
